Quickie: Friends With Kids – Hollywood’s Idea of Polyamory

So there’s this movie “Friends With Kids”. It’s incredibly bad. I’ve yet to survive through the whole film, and it’s a guilty pleasure of mine to try and see how far I get before pulling my hair out.

Record so far: 52 minutes.

What follows is a rant. Sit tight.

It’s about these two middle classed nitwits who hate their friends. Not that I blame them. Their friends are some of the meanest, most unhappy couples living absolutely horrible lives.

The movie shows why monogamy is killing relationships and how the tabloid-conservative American can’t bear themselves to say it out loud that polyamory is the correct way to live. If the script had any sort of intelligence, it’d make for an excellent social commentary satire.

They come so close. So there’s this plasticface girl (played by Jennifer Westfeldt) living with monojoke guy (Adam Scott). Everything is going smoothly and well, as long as they date other people while they hang around each other. They obviously love each other, but in their monogamous mind they can never make it work because they have this idea that they’re only friends and the ONE is out there.

A Failed Attempt at Being Profound and Innovative

Holy shit this movie makes me squawk my bitter beak.

I was shouting at the screen in frustration that they got it half right. They got the friggin’ baby part done right. Damn, I’ve been wondering how you can have a baby in a polyamorous relationship, and this movie nailed it!

They even went as far as living together, supporting each other, and at the same time going out and meeting other people. Unlike the nitwit married couples in the movie, who just bile hate on each other and live this sickening nightmare of trying to compare themselves to others.

Seriously, there’s one scene where the shit friends all pile up in an elevator and get ready to be horrified at how badly a polyamorous relationship is working. And then the joke is that it’s actually working quite well.

The movie is the ultimate rundown of why monogamous relationships will eventually fail. Yet it’s still too gutless to suggest an alternative. If for once these movies would speak of things honestly and leave this conservative bullshit behind.

Monojoke is such a dick to this woman whom he calls his friend. What the fucking hell? I get that SHE’S NOT THE ONE for you you fucking cocksucker, it doesn’t mean that you can’t fucking be there to support her! I mean, it’s just your kid’s mother! For fuck’s sake what kind of cuntmuncher writes this shit?

I have been informed that Ms. Plasticface (played by Jennifer Westfeldt) is the cuntmuncher who writes this shit.

Accidentally Showing That Honesty Prevails

I also found it hilarious, that the most awkward pickup line (performed by Monojoke guy trying to be clever) almost crashed and burned, but immediately turned positive, when the cockmuncher actually said something HONEST.

Imagine that, saying something honest?

Oh and plasticface looks like that woman from the eighties monkey planet-movie.

My fucking forehead.

I’m sure the movie will end in the realization that monogamy is the true gawd blessed way, because these idiots don’t know how to be polyamorous. They can’t just go over that hump and realize that they love many people. But no, they have to be petty and jealous.

Oh and next to that we got Mr. Pious (played by Jon Hamm) here judging open relationships harshly because it’s not good for the baby or what not. Well listen here asshole, the baby was just fine with the parents meeting other people.

Problem is, that the parents are such goddamn morons that they don’t understand their own feelings well enough and end up stuck in this limbo of monogamous polyamory. The baby is NOT fine with jealous parents who don’t care for each other.

Jesus fuck could you just fucking love each other? It can’t be so hard. (Hold your “That’s what she said”-jokes till the end, please.)

Hello ego, my old Friend

So their polyamorous baby-relationship pretty much crashed and burned not for the polyamory, but for the guy acting like a fucking asshole towards his friend and his baby’s mother.

Movie, you got it half right. Polyamory is the way to go, but polyamory requires the utter acceptance of yourself and others.

This illustrates how even in the most conservative country in the world, people are frustrated by the relationship-status quo forced on them by society. And while the movie deals with it in the most primitive ass-backwards frustrating way, it still shows glimpses of how a polyamorous relationship could work with a baby in the picture.

If only the script would’ve had balls enough to go far enough to question monogamy and suggest polyamory as a natural state of things.

If only.

-Jay

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